Log in

Peculiar Paradigm [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

[ info | click ]
[ old shit | click ]

[Links:| Myspace ]

kill you* [Apr. 22nd, 2008|04:59 pm]
*the following was taken from facebook:

2:15am Sunday, Apr 13

i am ready to murder someone. not just anyone. just the fucker in the silver S2000 who beat the shit out of the guy on the bicycle. after running him over.

that was over three hours ago. my heart is still racing and my head is reeling. today was a near-perfect day. it would have been perfect if i were dancing right now. but you kind of killed my mood.

i wish you would have come at me. i want the chance to soccer kick you in the face until you're doing the funky chicken. maybe run your skinny ass over in your car. i want to give bicycle guy (fuck...i didn't even get his name....) a chance to throw a few good punches at you. someone needs to take you the fuck out. for days now i will be wishing that you would have given me that chance.

it's not just that some guy on a bicycle got the shit beat out of him. i've seen people get wasted before. spend enough time in the city and you'll see shit like that. it's that you're pounding this guy's face in WHO YOU JUST RAN OVER IN YOUR CAR, and who ISN'T EVEN PUTTING UP A FIGHT. you deserve to be gutted like a fucking fish. there is no excuse for that bull shit. you aren't even worthy of being called or treated like a human being. fuck. and then you come BACK? WHY? TO APOLOGIZE? TO FINISH HIM OFF!? WHAT!? maybe just to get ME caught in the middle? FUCK YOU. i want to hunt you down and go fucking leonidas on your ass. fuck.

violence is not good. repaying violence for violence is bad. but this fucker deserves it. it's good i don't keep the iron pipe under my seat anymore.

you didn't come at me. you DID walk away like i fucking told you to. but it feels so incredibly wrong. no retribution. no vengeance served. no consequence. THAT'S what really gets to me. nevermind that i got out to help him; picked up everything in his backpack that was strewn across both lanes. tara says i might have saved his life. but i want blood. and honestly, that scares me.

listening to tool. helps bring the anger out in the open where it needs to be. still don't have any way to release it though. i'm fucking tired. but i can't sleep.

i HATE feeling like this. this is not me. and i never say fuck. shit.

there were people there tonight that i really wanted to dance with. but i had to leave. asshole. icing on the cake: bicycle guy's blood got on my shoes. what the fuck? he better not have left any blood in my car....

whatever. at least i know bicycle guy got home okay.

a whole day later, i've figured out the problem. last night shit came THIS close to hitting the fan. the guy was livid, and i was sure he was going to throw one at me. i told him to step off; he had already drawn his blood and it was over. "turn the fuck around, get back in your car and drive away," or something to that effect. and he did. it's good that he did. but when i saw him come back around the corner i had an adrenaline rush like i haven't had in a LONG ass time. it pushed me to the edge and i was ready to jump. if he would have come at me, one of us would have beaten the other senseless. regardless of the outcome, i would have had release; all of that adrenaline and aggression would have gone somewhere. but he walked. no release. i'm blue balling...in a violent way. i'm still on edge. i'm still ready to bash this guy's face in, and that makes me extremely uncomfortable. i don't want to go anywhere or see anyone because i hate feeling like this and i don't want anyone to see it. i don't want to overhear some senseless asshole's bullshit comment and go ballistic. so. i sit at home. and fume. which doesn't help. at all.

maybe i'm being too dramatic. i'm not going to go ballistic. i'm not like that. last night was fight or flight. being put into a position like that will send anyone to the edge. i count it as an exception. things would have to escalate a great deal and QUICKLY to bring me to the same boiling point under "normal" circumstances, but still...my mind hasn't come away from the edge yet. if i saw this guy on the street tonight, i know i would do something stupid.

he's probably feeling the same thing. he's probably wishing that he would have thrown a punch at me. or maybe he got all of his aggression out when he bloodied bicycle guy's face. i doubt it though. this kid has bigger problems. but maybe something like this...something similar...is what set him off in the first place, and running into some "clueless idiot" on a bicycle (which i'm sure put a nice dent in his tuner) sent HIM over the edge. that doesn't justify beating the shit out of someone you just ran over with your car, but it's crazy how violence is a cycle. it starts with crazy asian kid kicking bicycle guy's ass. then i find my way into the middle it. now that it's over, I'M on edge all night and all day with a short fuse, afraid that i'm going to blow up in someone's face. if i had a rough childhood or a different upbringing, how would i have handled myself last night and today? would i have gone out looking for a fight? continuing the cycle? maybe bicycle guy'll go out and buy a gun to protect himself. someday he'll get mugged and shoot to defend himself, and he'll kill an innocent bystander or a kid in the process. you never know. this world is so fucked up.

anyway... my rush of adrenaline still lingers because it has no outlet. as long as it lingers, i will be tense, and therefore will not be able to dance, and i will have a very short fuse. but i would rather blue ball over it for a few days than find some violent release. i'm above that. unless i find this kid within the next 48 hours. (i laugh my evil laugh...)

i write because it helps. i'm done writing. it's helped a lot. i'm feeling better still because i fixed my cd player a few minutes ago and now i can listen to my headphones. yesterday it wasn't working so i couldn't listen to my headphones and that did not help my mood at all. i hope no on thinks less of me now. whatever. i'll delete this in a few days. the craziest shit happens to me....

LinkDrop a comment

(no subject) [Dec. 22nd, 2007|02:08 am]
[Mood |tiredtired]

so i'm done with my recent spree of profane entries.

blues underground always fixes everything. :) well, almost everything. still don't know what to do about HER...she's pretty hard to read, and dancing can't change or fix that. hopefully that chemistry will resurface someday. HOWEVER, tonight was a GREAT night of dancing. had THE hottest dance i've ever danced, with a girl named ashley... ;) even hotter than the one i wrote about with megan. lol. it was so nice. hot $hit. i'm too tired to talk about it. but it was great. full of TENSION and AGGRESSION and teasing and playing-hard-to-get-ness...some sliding across the floor...lots of eye contact and all that good stuff. i;uhrgdfgjnfkrv i'm so tired. my car is broke. something with my flippin' alternator. pretty sure it's my fault. i waited a long time to replace a screw in it and i think it may have caught up with me tonight. it sounds very sick. hope it's not ruined. g2g2bedtho. g'night.
LinkDrop a comment

i take it back [Dec. 20th, 2007|08:00 pm]
Fuck you Alicia.
LinkDrop a comment

meh [Aug. 27th, 2007|11:33 pm]
[Location |home]
[Music |minus the bear]

dunno what i really wanna write about. well that's a lie. i know what i want to write i just don't really want to write it all out. which is a ridiculous contradiction. oh well.

i'm getting really excited about my sales position coming up here in a little over a week. such an excellent opportunity. opportunity not just to make a little extra money, but opportunity to REALLY do what i LOVE, not just work in a place that happens to sell the things that i love. i actually get to SELL those things. :) it's also an opportunity to move out of the 'rents house. :) within 6 to 8 months chris and i want to have our own place. we both think it's doable.

at the end of every summer i always feel like it's a chance to start fresh. re-prioritize. refocus. with everyone going back to school it's an opportunity to get more done; fewer distractions. right now i've just got way too much on my plate. i've been building a computer for almost 3 months now and i'm still WELL over $1000 from completion...actually closer to 2k.... :/ it's going to be a beast when it's finished. i wish i wouldn't have bought such nice components...it's going to be kind of a waste because i'm not going to be using it as much as i would a laptop, and i'm going to need one of those soon, too, along with a new phone. which reminds me i need to make a note to order new business cards/name tags. :) but anyway, if i start buying more "reasonable" components for the computer now, they're just going to bottleneck the system. and i can't sell the parts i've already bought. so i kind of dug myself a hole on that one.... it's okay though i suppose. like i said, it's going to be a beast....

my room is the next project. i don't have a desk anymore. and chris is sleeping in my room because we're kind of having a mild spider issue in the house. most of them are just gigantic common house spiders, but we've caught a couple of hobo spiders scurrying across the floor, too. if you don't know what a hobo spider is, google image search "hobo spider bite" and you'll get an idea. anyway chris doesn't take up that much space lol, but my room is also a mess because the backseat of my car as well as most of my car audio components are stored in there as well. i still need 2, yes two, desks for my room as well as a cd tower and some other things. first i'm going to paint it though. it's kind of disgusting. dirty hand prints on the walls and such...don't know how i managed those. but my room is not a very happenin' place right now. it's going to be at least a month before i get a handle on it.

finally my car is [still] a mess. like i said, the backseat is in my room. has been for a couple months now i think. i've got sound in the car, but no front speakers, and the trunk is still a disaster. i make progress every week...the other day i finished the back piece that the subs sit on. carpeted and everything. next step is to make the main piece with the "trap door" so that i can have access to the spare tire. then i'll build the amp rack, then the trim pieces to give the whole trunk a nice clean look, just like i've always wanted. like i said, now that everyone is going back to school i'll have a chance to work on that project more too. working on my car is the only thing that doesn't require money, except for a bag of screws from time to time at the home depot. it's still a difficult project. i'm such a do-it-yourself guy, but i'm starting to understand why people hire OTHER people to do things for them.....there's just no frigging TIME. it's so hard to make time. i'm going to do this, though. it's going to be amazing. :) i can't believe it's not already done, though.......... i've been working on my car for how many years now???

to top all of that off, i've got 6 or 7 people breathing down my throat wanting my to help them install their car alarms and stereos and other things.... i'll get to them all eventually, but it's going to take me a long time to get to all of them, and i don't work for food or for free anymore. can't afford to.

one little side thing that i've been actively pursuing is running. three times a week, mon/wed/fri usually, you can see me running down sunset at around 8pm. i run from my house down to the water, run around edmonds for about 30 minutes, then run back home up the hill. usually works out to a little over 4 miles. it feels so good to push myself in some way...get my heart rate up. i'm working towards a 6 minute mile. :) i'm going to get some new shoes as soon as they hit stores...the new adidas BOUNCE shoes. little over $100. well worth it for how much i'll use them. then i'll just need some adidas shorts and i'll be set. :) i've already got the sexy under-armor shirt, headband and my ipod. :-P ...so glad i bought those shure E3C headphones. kick ass. :) if you're looking for nice earbuds those are my recommendation to you. anyway, i'm going to go to wendy's for a chicken burger before bed. chris and i were watching arrested development and tobias was at burger king and i developed a craving. :-P but i do need to go to bed. work in the morning.

i'm always sad to see friends go back off to school, but i'm ready for it this time around. it's going to take some real effort to focus myself mentally for success, not just at my new job but in general. i've grown a lot this last year...some of that is because of things that i've gained, but most of that growth is due to loss, in many ways and on several fronts. i really need to do some networking or something, too...i used to be a pretty popular guy...i swear i don't know anyone anymore. ...need to meet some girls, too... :-P j/k. goodnight.

but first, that chicken burger.................
LinkDrop a comment

mmmhm [Jun. 16th, 2007|10:04 am]
i would change my userpic cuz i really don't like it...but i don't have the time so i'll change it later....

so i take back everything i said. this is difficult for me. it's not supposed to be easy. sadly there aren't very many people who understand or appreciate that. i still don't understand all of the dynamics of this situation, but i'm beginning to, and a lot of them make me sad. the worst one right now is that my relationship with my friend lauren is suffering greatly due to all of this. :( i sent her a graduation gift...and even a super corny card.. hopefully that'll all work out okay.

and bleh...as far as nicole is concerned?? *shrug* i don't know what to think anymore. solution? don't think about it! :) i'm half-kidding. :-P we talked last week...briefly. didn't go so well. talking to her is like talking to a brick wall. :( not that it's her fault...i suppose she has to put up a wall when she's talking to me. maybe she's afraid to talk to me any other way. it just sucks though because it makes it sound like she just doesn't care anymore...about me or whatever's left of "us" (as friends, i mean. duh) or what's going to happen. it's pretty hard to talk to someone when you're getting those vibes. maybe she really DOESN'T care. if that were the case i wish she's just say so. i'd rather her just be honest with me. i may act pretty immature sometimes (well.....most of the time, actually, when it comes to this stuff...) but that doesn't mean i can't handle the truth. *shrug...again* i'm calling her on thursday. i don't know what we're going to say but i know i'm not going to be in a one-sided conversation with her, and just can't talk to a stoic. i've got a few ounces of effort left in me to make this okay. i don't know what's happened to her, but it seems like all bets are off and she just isn't interested anymore. we'll see. i shall update, at a later date. maybe then i'll even write about FUN things!! like dancing and my computer and work and my car and chris and my girls and and and and yeah. :) have a fabulous day!
LinkDrop a comment

(no subject) [Jan. 13th, 2007|09:04 pm]
[Mood |gloomygloomy]

livejournal really is therapeutic... i still don't know how many of you have read/are reading my entries, besides amanda, and frankly i don't care. i just wish lj could solve ALL of my many problems that i'm having at the moment. :( it's better than nothing though, i suppose...

more to come soon. some private, some not.
LinkDrop a comment

(no subject) [Jan. 29th, 2006|02:08 pm]
[Mood |calmlaid back]
[Music |pearl jam - untitled]

sooooo about this dvd that i've raved about over the past few months..this "PULSE" pink floyd dvd. they, of course, delayed the release again, this time to september 18th, 2006. which does not surprise me in the least. it's been delay after delay after delay for years now, but unlike some people who get angry and upset about the delays, i'm been pretty chill about it... so this pink floyd site that gives all of these updates about the dvd, the dates and delays...they posted an article by some guy about how the delays are really a good thing; they mean that the dvd is going to be PERFECT and excellent when it DOES come out. so i'm like "dude...that's exactly the way i feel about it." so i just shot a nice email to thier website and got a response back...i thought it was kinda cool.

cutCollapse )
LinkDrop a comment

EXTRA-EXTRA [Jan. 24th, 2006|05:14 pm]
[Mood |relaxedrelaxed]
[Music |HHH]

I QUIT MY JOB!!Collapse )
Link4 comments|Drop a comment

ahhh memories... [Jan. 21st, 2006|12:24 pm]
[Mood |calmcalm]
[Music |The Who - The Relay]


things are shaping up now, fyi.
LinkDrop a comment

(no subject) [Dec. 1st, 2005|02:09 am]
[Mood |excitedexcited]

So I totally don't need any of your help anymore... :-P Well, I always need your help, but I don't need you to proofread my e-mail anymore because Scott and Nicole already did and I read it to myself word for word like 30 times...

You probably haven't checked lj so you have no idea what i'm talking about but get this..i'm shopping for a pair of high quality expensive sennheiser headphones that i can't afford yet (sony doesn't count as high quality...) and i found this place in seattle called definitive audio. they're THE premier audio/video dealer in the pacific northwest, and their web site says that they're looking for apprentice installers!! so i'm like OUyhsgoigyt(&Itg09(&Y)(*&RFdsvf i want to work there!!

so i sent them this e-mailCollapse )
Link1 comment|Drop a comment

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]